Horoscope

For the tired, romantically challenged, obnoxious and frustrated this one is for you.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Dozing off while you're on the toilet? Forgetting to put on a fresh pair of stainless underwear when getting dressed in the morning? Hmm, sounds like you could use a few more zzz's or risk ending up looking like this sweet piece of beauty here.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Love is like rehab; you keep going back to it no matter how many times you fall off. So it's no surprise that you're considering getting back into a relationship this week that is really not healthy for you. I implore you to turn the other way and leave it alone. Of course you should only do so after you find another partner who can pleasure you just as much in bed. Never underestimate the healing powers of a random booty call.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Yeah we all say stupid things once in a while but this week you're really letting it fly. You're being offensive, rude and straight up obnoxious. The worst part is that you can't even use being drunk as an excuse. Yeah, every time I do something idiotic like take a piss in the middle of a supermarket aisle (hey, gotta go when you gotta go) I turn around and say I'm drunk. But it ain't gonna work this week for ya so shape up or shut up.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

There's gonna be some drama at work this week that will make you want to upstage JetBlue flight attendant, Steven Slater with your own diva "I quit this ish" scene. Just remember unless you plan to quit on an airplane and skydive off that baby, you're best just putting in a professional letter of resignation and going home to a nice cold beer.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Lord, we gotta do something about our children these days.  With the story of actor, Laurence Fishburne's daughter pursuing a porn career you know I just had to offer my insights this week on the topic of parenting.  If you're a deadbeat you might want to stop reading now.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

It's 10pm.  Do you know where your children are?  Chances are you probably do but only 'cause you're hanging out with them drinking, clubbing and staying out until all sorts of unholy hours.  You see the problem here is that lately you're becoming your child's best friend and forgetting to be their parent.  It's time to draw those lines and make sure you're the right influence instead of being under the influence.  SMH.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

There is a communication breakdown this week with your child where the most you do is say hello and wave goodbye.  It's time to bridge the gap and listen to your child even if you can't understand a word that child is saying.  With all the slang today good luck deciphering the fo' shizzles, gizzles and all them other izzles.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

You've been an outstanding parent working yourself to the max.  But this is your week to for once put yourself before your children.  So when they say I'm hungry you say me too and eat a big ole's steak in their face; when they say I need a new pair of kicks you say me too and go on a solo shopping spree; and when they say I'm tired of eating the same old sausage for breakfast you say me too and find yourself a new booty call.  Now that's how ya do it!

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

We all make mistakes and this week you're realizing that you made quite a few with your child.  But what's the point in beating yourself up now?  They are already screwed up.  All you can do is still be there and offer your love and support now.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Another random look at your life this week.  Read it and weep.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Somebody is risking falling off the wagon, down a ditch and into a dirty back alley if they don't straighten up and fly right. And no I'm not talking about Lindsay Lohan, I'm talking about you child. You've been on the straight and narrow but now you want to test the limits and play with fire.  Well go on but just remember when you feel a burning sensation under your butt it's not just your hemorrhoids; it's also the heat that you can't take.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

You're realizing this week that time is your most precious commodity so use it wisely. That means limiting perusing gossip blogs, pleasuring yourself and eating junk food.  Wait, did I just eliminate three of my favorite activities in life that keep me motivated and inspired? Uhm, yeah let's ignore this one.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Patience is not your virtue this week.  You can't wait to use the bathroom, can't wait to eat, can't wait to leave work and can't wait to go to sleep.  What you need to do is learn that waiting is sometimes the best part of life. Take the time to do your nails, floss your teeth, and scratch the dandruff out your hair.  Damn just get a hobby and you'll have no trouble waiting.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

If you feel like doing something out of the ordinary this week let's start very basic: smile. You're so grouchy not even, Mel Gibson will return your phone calls. Now you know you need some help. Just smile.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

With so much talk about weddings and divorces this week in celebrity land, it's time to find out what's in the stars for you this week when it comes to love and marriage.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

This week you really need to dig deep and ask yourself the burning question:  are you truly ready to trade in nights of wild partying ending with you running naked down public streets; endless one night stands and sexting at all hours of the day and night for the life of a married man?  Uh, who am I kidding?  Just pretend you're Jessie James meets The Dream meets Tiger Woods and you get the best of both worlds.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Of course every bride wants to wear virginal white for their big day but baby, let's be honest.  You need off-off-white.  The only hole where you're a virgin is in that hole in your head, Ms. Delusional.  So don't go walking down that aisle with your nose in the air like your woo-hoo is tighter than a boxer's fist when it's loose as a goose.  Even sluts have to stay true to themselves.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Don't let your emotions go gettin' the best of you this week.  You're bound to feel exhausted, disappointed, frustrated and unsatisfied-and that's just after foreplay.  Remember marriage is work.  So before you go heading for divorce make sure you've done all you can to resolve the issues.  If not, well just think about the alimony...think about the alimony..!

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

True love is a rare thing and you're blessed to have found it this week.  Your face is glowing, you're walking with more confidence and you're happier than ever before.  Too bad 'cause everyone around you is feeling the love too.  But just keep on letting all the haters stare at you with their mouths open like groupies on their knees in the NBA locker room.  Oh, the power of love.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

No theme this week.  I'm just dropping the vision like I sees it and schooling you all on how to fake the charm, avoid trains, douching and making your ex wish they could still hit that.  You already know what time it is, don't cha?

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

This week you just need to be yourself and the world will fall to its knees ready to serve you in God knows any way imaginable.  Your light is shining and the floor is all yours.  Just remember when I say be yourself I mean be your best self-not the grouchy, crust-in-the eye, gossiping, low down nasty freak you are behind closed doors.  Okaaaayyyyy!?!

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Now is your chance to avoid becoming another train wreck and get your life back on the rails of success.  You are the conductor of this train so put on them emergency breaks if you have to and take a moment to get your course in order.  And in sticking with the whole train metaphor now is the perfect time for me to remind you to stop having trains run on you as well.  Uhmmm, hmmm you ain't think I'd go there now did ya?  I see things child...

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Walk before you run.  Think before you talk.  Douche before you let loose.  Just a random rules I thought might be helpful for you this week.  That's all.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You usually work hard but lately you've been a little lax.  It's time to rev up that energy and get back on point.  If you need motivation just think of that ex who did you dirty and how much you want to make them sick by being so successful without them.  And if that don't get ya working hard again then you're more hopeless than I thought.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Smell that?  It's the smell of dried armpits, booty sweat and musty testicles.   Aww, summer is in the air.  To get you started on the right foot this season read on.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

There's a heat wave this week and it's not only in the air; it's also in your head.  You're so hot headed that every person you blow catches fever.  Yikes!  Now it's time to calm down and not let the heat get the best of you.  All you have to do is inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale...and blow.  Now I don't mean that kind of blow ya nasty freak.  Although...

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Fatback.  Muffin tops.  Panty waste.  It's summer and all the bit parts are bound to be on display at the beach even if they shouldn't be.  This week you need to resist the temptation to join the pack of having your you-know-what hanging out there like a saggy wet T-shirt on a dry clothing line.  Get the visual?  Okay then.  Let's try and keep it a little classy this season and not go buckwild!

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Sometimes during the summer you just want to lie on your bed with the AC on full blast and do absolutely nothing.  Unfortunately you're not Jay-Z or Beyonce and can't afford to sit on your crusty behind.  When Jay and B do it they collect royalties; when you do it you go into collections.  So don't let the dog days of summer eat you up and spit you out this season.  You gotta make moves no matter how lazy you get.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

I know you want that beach bod this season but you're going to have to work hard this week to make it happen.   I'm talking about a Kate Moss diet of a bean for every three meals.  I'm talking about running that treadmill like you're a Black man ducking racial profiling from the police.  You better werk!

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

With this week's 4^th of July holiday it's all about independence; finding it, embracing it and not giving it away.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Being independent doesn't mean you have to be lonely at home on a Saturday night posing naked in front of the mirror to see if you're still desirable, scrolling down your contact list just to see who might give you a call and creating ten different versions of a 6 month old to-do list.  It's time you quit the whole I can do bad all by myself act and do bad or at least the nasty with someone else.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Like a baby on the nipple you've been milking all those around you and I'm telling you it must stop.  It's time to pop those nipples out your mouth and start sucking on the cold hard truth which is, it's time to take responsibility.  The great thing about independence is that you have yourself to credit for your success, which also means you have only yourself to blame if it all blows up in your face.  Still wouldn't you rather be an independent loser than a freeloading one?  Okay, maybe not, but you get my point.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

There's one thing about being independent that you have yet to master and that's taking pride in it.  This week it's time for you to raise your fist in the air like it's 2000 and you're the ten seconds-from-being-booted member of Destiny's Child, cast deep in the far shadows of Beyonce's mane, singing back-up to the "Independent Women" song.  Now that ought to make ya feel proud or at least ridiculously silly.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

When it comes to being independent nobody does it quite like you.  You know how to stroke your own ego, make yourself happy and clean up any sticky mess you get yourself into.  Good, now transfer all this nasty behavior into the other areas of your life outside the bedroom and you'll be a-okay.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

With the new iPhone 4 out this week the phone lines will be a-blazin' and we'll all become motor mouths just chit-chatting away.  I've got some phone tips that will make your world a whole lot easier to manage this week if you manage to pay your bill on time.  SMH.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

You've got scandalous photos in your gallery section, incriminating voice memos about your plan to sabotage your evil boss and sexts that would make Tiger Woods giddy like a sex addict in the middle of the Red Light District.  It's time for you to clear out your phone 'cause something is bound to come back and haunt you this week.  So guard that phone like it's the last piece of cornbread on Thanksgiving Day.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

This is the week to turn your ringer off, put it on vibrate and have a little alone time in your bedroom with your phone.  Yeah, I said it!  There's a reason why a phone can vibrate and that's 'cause it's a multitasking secret sex machine.  Just make sure you don't accidentally dial your mother while you're err, taking your private call.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

You text legitimate emergencies, break-up via email, leave voice messages such as "hey," and Tweet your friends from your phone with the message to call you.  Now does any of this backwards communication make any kinda logic?  Hells no!  It's time you learned the etiquettes of phone usage and you can start by doing us all a favor and turning your phone off until you get some sense in your head.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You suspect your partner is up to no good so like any well-balanced adult who knows how to communicate effectively you've got an elaborate plan to hack your lover's password and browse through their phone for evidence of cheating.  Chile you need to stop.  Save that foolishness for insecure, jealous, possessive, foolish and fearful lovers.  Oh, who am I kidding?  That's all of us.  Go on then and see if you come up with any dirt!

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Oh no she didn't!  In a recent radio interview with "Big Boy's Neighborhood," Ciara placed top dollar on herself to beat out Janet Jackson in a dance-off.  Uhm, excuse me but didn't Miss Jackson school you and just about every other dance diva and now you wanna challenge the queen of dance?  Well, this week is all about dancing.  I know we all like to get our groove on but some of us need to groove the f*** off and sit our asses down in a corner and stop making a damn fool of ourselves.  SMH.  Read on.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Baby you are so damn extra and everybody loves it!  No one gets the party started like you with your agility, perfect lines and high energy moves.  You're the original party starter, motivator and well you should be 'cause it ain't like you got a life.  If I neglected all my priorities and spent all my damn time in the club I'd all be great like you too.  Honey, it might be time for you to get a new hobby.  I only tell you 'cause I love you.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

You got way too many problems on your hands this week (bills, heartbreak and trifling friends) to be hitting the dance floor.  You can't dip it low 'cause your heart is already as low as it's gonna get.  So stop moping around on the dance floor and go get drunk.  When you pass out you'll give a whole new meaning to dropping on the dance floor.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Everybody who hits the dance floor knows rule number one (no, it's not smack the trick next to you with your weave who thinks she can steal your man with the swivel in her hips) it is: watch the B.O.  And baby...baby...when you get started that B.O. turns into B.O.M.B.  Now pile on the deodorant before you start shaking it in the crowd or else you'll have the whole dance floor to yourself.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You's freaky!  But it's time you quit turning the dance floor into a private strip club performance.  Nobody wants to see your clitoris from across the room as you bend over, drop it low, and spread-eagle on a handstand.  Tone.  It.  Down.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous!