Horoscope

If the past 2 weeks didn't kill ya then you're ready for the next stage of growing pains.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

It's all about survival of the fittest this week. If you have to step on a few toes, make sure you crush them. If you're climbing the ladder and they chop off your hands hang on by your mouth.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Your mind is going to be very stimulated over the next few weeks by great conversation and meeting wonderful new people. These folks are going to be quite sophisticated so just make sure you can hang by not asking silly questions, picking your teeth at the dinner able and my personal habit of stealing silverware. Honey, I got a kitchen drawer of utensils stacked.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

There is a newfound energy and warmth to you. Be sure to share it with everyone you care about over the next few weeks since it won't last for long and you'll be a grouch again in no time.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Great ideas are going to be critical to your success over the next few weeks. So don't be afraid to express whatever comes to mind. Just be sure to censor any profanity it may be laced with.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

If the past 2 weeks didn't kill ya then you're ready for the next stage of growing pains.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

It's all about survival of the fittest this week. If you have to step on a few toes, make sure you crush them. If you're climbing the ladder and they chop off your hands hang on by your mouth.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Your mind is going to be very stimulated over the next few weeks by great conversation and meeting wonderful new people. These folks are going to be quite sophisticated so just make sure you can hang by not asking silly questions, picking your teeth at the dinner able and my personal habit of stealing silverware. Honey, I got a kitchen drawer of utensils stacked.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

There is a newfound energy and warmth to you. Be sure to share it with everyone you care about over the next few weeks since it won't last for long and you'll be a grouch again in no time.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Great ideas are going to be critical to your success over the next few weeks. So don't be afraid to express whatever comes to mind. Just be sure to censor any profanity it may be laced with.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Everyone gets the tireds sometimes, especially the lazy folks. Isn't that odd? Anyway, here's how to handle a case of the terrible awful zzzzz's.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

One of the best ways to cure the tireds is to become way over exhausted with a backbreaking lovemaking session and then immediately fall asleep on your partner's chest. Oh wait, you do that on the regular.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

The tireds has you losing your brain cells. You're consistently forgetting things and can't remember your own children's names. But no worries I'm pretty sure your nanny who actually raises them can remind you.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

The best way to ensure you'll have a peaceful dream is to fall asleep with a sweet aroma in the air. Sounds great, until your lactose intolerant partner breaks wind and ruins any chances of that happening.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Most people avoid having sex when they're tired but this is the perfect time to get away with doing nothing but lying on your back. I hear a bunch of celebrity stars pull this trick quite often.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

One of you is gonna go from pimp to ho. Oh my!

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

If I were you this week I'd be sure to carry mace. You may need to spray yourself in the eyes to avoid eyesores on the rush hour commute. You know what I'm talking 'bout.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

You're used to being the pimp in your relationship but now it's your turn to be the ho. That's right you need to grind and bring in that dough by any means necessary. And by any means I really mean, getting a regular 9 to 5 since you've never really kept one in your 27 plus years of living on earth.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Someone isn't being faithful this week. And that someone is you. It's time to be honest and let the cat out the bag since you already let your sex out of it.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You'll be in some slight physical pain this week so try not lifting anything excruciatingly heavy including your mate. Hey, I'm just keeping it real.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Another week and I still forgot to pick up toilet paper. Oh well, here's your future in a few sentences.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

You need to be extra detailed this week to find some solutions to your issues. Unfortunately you don't have all the time in the world so just start with your two main issues and the other 100 can sort themselves out. I hope.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Let go of control this week just not when you're at the wheel.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

A celebration is on the horizon too bad no one knows why. But it may have something to do with the fact that you're quitting your day job and everyone will be so happy sad to see you leave.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You will finally make some financial progress concerning all those debts. It begins by answering creditor's calls without faking an accent and saying you don't speak English.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

One lucky sign will get flashed this week. Could it be you?

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Rest assured that every good deed is appreciated. Someone is about to show you just how much they value your kindness. Prepare to be flashed in 3, 2, and 1...

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

You've been quite patient and trust me it will come in time. Now what in the hell it is that you want so badly you don't know and honey neither do I.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

You've been avoiding talking to certain folks by screening your calls, hiding your online status and putting certain email addresses into spam. Guess what, they are doing the same to you, so relax.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You're a lot more open these days than you once were. Folks can see your emotions and guess what they think you're a bit psycho. But that's ok we are all a little touched.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Better nights, times and days. Next week.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

This is not the time to act shy when in the presence of others. When you flash or moon a crowd you just may pick up a new business opportunity. It works for reality stars all the time.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

It's time you stood your ground and started demanding what you're worth. So prepare to downsize a whole lot in your life.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

This is the week of truth or dare for you which will determine if you can tell a lie and avoid keeping your word. Based on your track record I think you'll do just fine.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

This week you'll learn that a little imagination can go a long way, especially when the cable is out.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Feet don't fail me now.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

It's time to put your relationships first. The only problem is, now you'll have to decide how to prioritize your 15-20 sidepieces. Good luck with that one.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Simply talking is not enough this week. You'll need to take action. Now let's try telling that to our so-called political leaders.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

There's a focus on change this week. And remember change starts with you. Which means it likely won't happen.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You're looking to bring some fun back to your fashion choices. So loosen up and pair a thong with a bikini top and a fedora. Sounds crazy enough to me.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Let's jump to it.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Usually thinking things over is exactly what I tell you since I know how irrational you can be. But this week don't think anything over. Well, expect your choice in eye shadow.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

It's time to define where you are going professionally. It appears that you've hit the glass ceiling, which is kinda hard when you're usually on your knees on the floor underneath your boss' desk.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

You need to better balance work and play. And by play, playing with yourself doesn't count.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Your insight into what's real and what isn't is on the mark this week. So use it to burst a few silicones, I mean bubbles.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.