Horoscope

Let's jump to it.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Usually thinking things over is exactly what I tell you since I know how irrational you can be. But this week don't think anything over. Well, expect your choice in eye shadow.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

It's time to define where you are going professionally. It appears that you've hit the glass ceiling, which is kinda hard when you're usually on your knees on the floor underneath your boss' desk.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

You need to better balance work and play. And by play, playing with yourself doesn't count.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Your insight into what's real and what isn't is on the mark this week. So use it to burst a few silicones, I mean bubbles.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Real is my middle name.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Your desires and expectations will be supported this week by the planets. What won't be supported are those breasts. 'Chile get a decent bra for them tig 'ole bitties.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

You need to remain as focused as possible on the future this week. Which means no looking at old photo albums of when you were actually cute and had some sense in your head.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

The opposite of what's above is true for you. That's because I don't see much of a future for you right now, honey.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Your instincts and hunches are sharpened this week. Unfortunately so is the hump on your back. Time to get that one fixed.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Another week at the sunshine rodeo.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

You're on the ball this week when it comes to money. Which means you just may be able to run out and buy yourself something you really need: a lakefront.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

It's all about communication this week. So pay that bill and ya just might be able to reach out and touch somebody.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

The planets that rule your heart and mind are battling for your attention today. Too bad they're up against a freeloading ex with good sex and a nice smile. 'Chile wake up!

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

It's time to define your expectations. Just remember good things come to those who never expect a damn thing.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Joy is in the flowers.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

The future is calling your name. Can you hear it? Listen closely. Try again...ooops sorry wrong zodiac sign.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

This is your final chance to make the past right. Hmph sounds like somebody knows what you did last summer.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

What a stressful week you're about to have. You need some relaxation. I hear massages with happy endings are on discount this week in Chinatown.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

It's time to stand your ground. Just make sure you've got a proper pedicure and are wearing the right shoes.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Feel good.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

The moon is speaking to you and giving you signs on financial movement in your world. So look to the sky and follow the signs. Just be sure it's the moon you're observing and not some hallucinatory white light in the sky after enjoying some "herbs."

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

There are some important things for you on the home front. Like paying yo' bills!

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Make sure you say all you mean to say this week and don't hold back. Now if it gets you fired it ain't my fault. Did I do that? *Steve Urkel voice.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Listen to your instincts. Especially the grumbling in your stomach 'cause your skinny behind sure needs a meal.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Just do it and do it and do it and do it.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Your career interests are keen and sharp now. Just be sure you also sharpen your knives since you'll need it to stab some folks in the back with.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

It's now up to you to walk the talk. Oh but wait you ain't saying much are ya? Step it up!

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

It's all about work, work and more work for you this week. Just work it out in the bedroom and you'll be even more satisfied with life.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

All the color is back in your world. Your live is enriched and more purposeful. Too damn bad your a** is colorblind.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Shake it.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Your financial desires are lit this week. Now if only your sexual desires could be as energetic then you would have your moneymaker right there. Oh wells.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

You're ready to learn from your past and make up for lost time. That's all good and well but you ain't got no friends to make up time with. Get a social life.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Things are stating to look up once again for you financially. Oh wait I've spoken too soon.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You are in full warrior mode this week. Just make sure you aim your frustrations at the right person and not the poor Girl Scout who annoys the hell out of you with those damn cookies.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Get it.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Your subconscious is taking over this week. Let's hope that's a good thing because your conscious decision making skills have gotten you arrested, broke, drunk and caught in some awkward sexual positions you couldn't get out of.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

You're about to go down memory lane. Just take a Ginkoba with you since you know you getting up there in age.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

You're reaching a crucial point in your romantic relationship this week: deciding whether or not your anal self can live with someone else without killing them. Be wise now.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Some of your old confidence is retuning but be careful I don't think that means you're allowed to wear spandex quite yet.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Money is in the air. So shake what yo' mama gave ya and go out and get some of it. Money doesn't fall off trees but they sure do fall down poles.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Your past is coming alive. Just remember to make room in your closet to add a few more skeletons to the mix 'cause it's gonna be some duh-ramm-aaa!

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

You've got quite an edge on the competition at work this week. Just don't tell anyone you got it by sleeping on the hiring couch. Nasty!

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Communication lines are opening for you. But I mean the smoke signals kind since you know you ain't pay yo' cell phone bill.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.