JizzleJazzle's Horoscope September 24 - 30, 2010

Lawd hammercry, hammercry, hammercy! Say it ain't so. Oh Lawd! With news that Bishop Eddie Long may have been seducing young male members of his church and making them get on their knees for more than praise, we have truly got to reevaluate our spiritual cores this week. Judgment day after the jump.

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Pride comes before the fall and your pride is falling faster than Lil' Kim's face when she misses her daily Botox injections. It's time to stop letting your pride get in the way of you becoming a better human being. Get on your knees and repent for your stubbornness, child. It's the only way you'll be let into the pearly gates. (I also hear bringing a bottle of wine may help your chances)

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

You better stop using the lord's name in vain this week. Everything you say comes back to you tenfold. That is why you're gaining weight for calling others fat. You're feeling insecure for putting others down. And you're getting herpes well simply because you're a nasty freak.  Check yo'self.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

You need to keep those hormones of yours in check this week because as the Ten Commandments state you shall not covet thy neighbor's wife, husband, jump-off, sidepiece, bust it baby.... okay, okay I added those last few in just so you get the point. Now keep your hands where they belong-resting on your holy scripture and not in between someone's thighs.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You chant, you pray, you see psychics and spiritual advisers. You visit the synagogue and the mosque, and still you're more lost than a virgin at a brothel. If you're looking for the light it's within, somewhere hidden beneath that dark shady moody attitude of yours (hmph, you know I had to get a little dig in there).

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous.