JizzleJazzle

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

You're going to feel a little left of center this week but that's ok.  If your friends throw a party and forget to invite you just call them up the next day and let them know they're invited to a party in your pants!  Don't take it personal when you're left out of the fun activities and major opportunities this week.  Just take it as a moment to get even fiercer for next week and throw it in everyone's face like a true diva/divo.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

This is the week to turn the other cheek and by cheek I mean butt cheek.  You need to turn those things up, down, side to side, inside out and all around.  This is your week to work out like an anorexic Hollywood actress going psycho after eating a bean!  So get busy on looking great 'cause its lights, camera and action for you by the end of this week as your social calendar fills up.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Careful my child this week: don't confuse temptation for an opportunity you should take advantage of.  Before you are tempted to do something disastrous think of the consequences.  To help you out here's a list of scenarios:

Temptation: Being too horny and having sex with someone you're not really attracted to.

Consequence: An unattractive child you're stuck with for life.

Temptation: Stealing from work.

Consequence: Ending up on the unemployment line next to the cast of "Flavor of Love," season one.

Temptation: Smacking someone who pisses you off

Consequence: Who cares?  Smack a heffa up if they're hating!

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

Sometimes it's best not to say anything at all and those times include: right after eating a garlic meal, throwing up or giving a blowjob.  Other times include when you just don't know what the hell you're talking about.  This week is one of those weeks when you don't want to get caught out there looking like a fool.  So zip it, listen and learn.  It'll give you plenty of things to talk about the week after.  Let's just hope you have someone willing to listen.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous!

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Stop trying to control everything in your life, especially your emotions.  You can't help but be jealous of someone who you feel looks better than you, angry at someone who disrespects you or attracted to someone you know is no good for you.  There's only one way to get rid of these negative feelings and that's to smack the trick next to you for trying to look hotter.  I'm kidding!  But for real just own up to your emotions and let them go.  Trust me you'll never feel so good about being this bad.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

Your nerves are jitterier than ever this week.  You're more nervous than a Catholic priest next to a choir boy in a quiet confession booth.  Oooooohh chile!  But it's best you get a grip and act like you got some sense because you're going to need all your marbles to really shine in social circles this week.  Less nerves and more smiles.  You never know if that one face you smile at might be the one who ends up signing your check soon.  So cheese it up!

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

Use this week to explore your options and see what's out there for you.  Get your swirl on if you have to.  Bungee jump if ya wanna.  Whatever you do just make sure it's something fun and new.  You'll discover a side of yourself you never knew existed, 'cause face it honey you've been living quite the boring life.  Now spice it up and live a little!

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

You can get anything you want this week 'cause baby you got that magic.  You're positively radiating and glowing and it ain't the Botox.  It's your all-natural effervescence.  So bask in the glory and sunshine of your soul this week 'cause honey next week you're gonna come down from a high bad like a crackie going cold turkey.  Don't say I ain't warn ya!

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous!

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Don't be fooled this week by sweet words sprinkled in your ear.  You're bound to believe just about anything you hear from the ten year booty call partner who says you've always been more than just a one night stand to the salesperson that tells you your 13 year old daughter's Kim Kardashian sized booty is normal.  Child, some things we should just already know ain't so-don't believe the hype.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

This week you are working confidence like a middle aged overweight prostitute hitting the pavement to make that money before her pimp gets home and gets to some serious rule enforcing.  Just know that your confidence is contagious and the better you flaunt it the more positive results you'll get.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:

You're digging deep into your soul this week but let's just hope you don't pull any skeletons out of that dusty closet.  Lord knows what deep dark secrets are lurking in that scandalous trifling soul of yours.  Don't act like you was never the one drunk with your legs spread out all open on the club dance floor on Saturday night and on your knees praising the Lord that Sunday morning like you're a saint.  Yup, it's all coming out so don't be afraid to dig deep and face it all this week.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:

We are all guilty of it; sometimes we see someone we know walking down the same block and we cross to the other side to avoid saying a simple hello or we try to close the elevator door real fast so we don't have to share that space with anyone else.  But this is one week when you have the patience to be super social and deal with all of the Lord's confused, lost, neurotic and just plain crazy children.  Bless your heart 'cause I ain't got the patience for it no week.  Enjoy being the social butterfly.

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous!

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:

Creativity is in the air and you're inhaling it all.  Now it's time to exhale.  Let those creative juices squirt out and shoot all over the place.  Uhm, is this starting to sound a little too risqué?  You know what I mean!

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:

This week the last song you want to hear is "We are Family," and I don't blame ya.  Tell your uncle you ain't got $20; tell your grandmother stop talking about the end of days before it's the end of hers; tell your mama you'll get a romantic partner when she considers living at the nursing home instead of yo' crib; and tell your cousins they gotta babysit their own bad a** kids.  Family is great but don't let 'em drive you crazy now.  So tell them all to back off for the moment while you do you.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:
You might be tempted this week to do some things you know you shouldn't and one of them is cheating.  Let me tell ya it ain't worth it.  This advice comes from a former serial cheater who just couldn't resist the fire in my loins to jump on somebody's bones and starting chewing.  Ooooohhhhhweeeeee!  Child, all you gotta do is take a mental snapshot of the one you want to cheat with and when you're making love with your partner just put that mental snapshot back in your head.  Trust me it'll feel like an orgy for the price of one.

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:
Sometimes you can't see the mountain top when you're climbing up and it feels never ending.  But I want you to know that you gotta stay on course this week if you're to meet your goals.  Only losers give up on their dreams which is how I ended up here.  Bottom line: don't give up!

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous!

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:
Ever heard the phrase "mind yours?"  Well, if ya ain't now it's time you get to know it.  This week you will be tempted to bury your nose in everyone's business but honey fall back.  If you feel the urge to stick your nose someplace it doesn't belong make sure it's up your you-know-what and not up someone else's.

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:
Baby it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself because no one else does.  Sure you may feel taken advantage of this week but moping around won't solve anything.  So bust out some stilettos, a loud horrid 1980's business suit with zebra prints, transform your hair with a can of Aerosol until it reaches the ceiling and work that hairbrush into a microphone all up and down your hallway singing Patti LaBelle's, "I got a new attitude..."  Fellas ya can get into this exercise of self-empowerment too with some Patti drag.  Don't be scared!

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:
This week you are a joy to behold.  You bring light and sunshine into everyone's day with your upbeat energy.  Now you know usually JizzleJazzle has something slick to say but all I can say this week is keep up the positive energy.  Whatever you're doing this week to keep ya happy: uppers, pill-popping, aphrodisiacs just keep doin' it baby!  (I kid, I kid-except for the aphrodisiacs).

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:
Uhm, you need to chill this week with all the criticisms.  Your point comes across better when you tell someone nicely that they're getting to be the size of a house or that they smell like a dried up 87 year old snatch with moth balls.  So play nice and be fair.  Honesty is appreciated but only when it comes from love, like how I do (hehe)!

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous!

Aries, Leo and Sagittarius:
It’s time to get your Martha Stewart on and I’m not talking jail time.  I’m talking about creating a space of pleasure and relaxation where you can unwind.  So get domestic and add some new curtains to that dreary room, clean up that bathroom with some new bright fresh paint and take the time to create a delicious big ‘ole meal.  Just don’t get mad at me if ya gain about ten pounds afterward!

Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo:
Sometimes you just want to say, “Ho, have a seat!”  And this week you might want to heed that piece of advice.  Now is not the time to be tooting your own horn and trying to get recognition.  It’s best if you lay low this week and eat some humble pie.  Just do what you do and let the laws of nature direct the course.

Libra, Aquarius and Gemini:
Last week I told you to embrace your inner wild child and this week ain’t that much different.  The only change is that wild things are happening to you now.  Expect the unexpected with serendipitous events, little misadventures and some recklessness.  Just don’t get too wild, end up making a sex tape and having it float around the workplace.  

Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces:
It’s time to stand up on your own two.  Stop letting others mistreat you in your relationships.  You’re bound to feel hurt, overwhelmed and abused this week from those closest to you so do something about it.  Tell your friends to chill, tell your lover to shut the hell up, tell your kids to go have a damn seat somewhere and tell yourself to get a grip!  It’s your life and don’t forget that you run this ish! 

I'm JizzleJazzle and remember don't be good, be fabulous!